I’m not gonna lie. I’m hurtin’. It’s 11:44am and I haven’t had a drop of the good stuff since Sunday morning. Right now I would give anything to be brewing a pot of my cheap, Folger’s French Roast coffee. Only until now did I understand the truth behind, “The best part of waking up…” If you don’t know the end of that phrase, you’re either younger than 12 or lived in a cave in the 80s and 90s.

     I am not a happy camper and I really want coffee. Last night, I went to do the teeth bleaching again before bed and within three minutes of the gel hitting my gums, I had to run to the bathroom and scour my mouth out with water and my toothbrush. It was SO incredibly painful! I like how the brochure says, “A small percentage of patients will experience some sensitivity with their gums and should consult their dentist, who may recommend that you only use it every other night.” Uh huh. This was no slight sensitivity. This was like having hydrocholoric acid eat away at my gumline with a dollop of urethane on my tooth enamel. So I slept blissfully bleach free for the night and am experiencing only mild discomfort today in terms of tooth sensitivity. I will also not be doing anything tonight since I’m having my teeth cleaned tomorrow morning and I’d have to be under anesthesia to even attempt having dental instruments pick at my gums after a “gentle bleaching.”

     So this is the price of vanity. I remain resolute in not attempting these things frequently (if at all). I have no idea how people do painful chemical peels, Botox, lipo, face lifts, nose jobs, any kind of “plasty,” and all the rest of it. I guess I’d never make it in Hollywood or any other entertainment-based industry where your looks get you everywhere. I’ll just stay wholesome, a.k.a., Midwestern.

     This isn’t the end of the story, since I still have to wait for my teeth pores to close before having coffee. I’m dragging my ass behind me in a wheelbarrow, I can tell you that. I now realize how much I have come to depend on coffee allowing me to only get 6.5-7 hours of sleep each night; because who has time to get 8 and over? I certainly don’t.

     To sign off for now, I leave you with a delightful homemade video to Rockapella’s Folger’s commercial from the 90s: