No. You didn’t SEEN anything.

Um, can we talk about something serious for a moment?

There is an epidemic in this country – an epidemic of extremely, extremely ignorant grammar, speaking, and writing skills. I understand colloquialisms. I do! I say ’em, too. But when you write these things out as your actual manner of speaking, it just puts the nail in my tightass coffin.

I don’t like to preach a lot about grammar here and if I can help it, I won’t write another one of these for a long time, if ever again. But I can’t help it this time. No, it’s not the You’re vs. Your thing; which is appalling, by the way. “Your welcome” always makes me want to say, “But is it my welcome?”

The issue at hand is the misuse of the word “seen.”

Seen is a conjugation of the verb “to see,” which means that if you want to use it, you may do so in the present, past and future perfect voice. Which also means that there is always another verb in between subject and the word “seen.”

Examples:

  • You have seen
  • I had seen
  • We will have seen
  • They had seen

and so forth. There is absolutely NO conjugation that has subject + seen. None. Zip. Really! If you say, “I seen with my own eyes” or ask, “You seen it?” I strongly but gently advise you or your friend who does this to go back to elementary school grammar and brush up on this verb. (I won’t comment on, “You done seen it, too?”) I don’t know why this one thing in particular motivated me to write a post about it. I mean, yes, I can write bitchy rants, and I know that many people frown on those who take time to write stuff like this, but it just cooks my cactus – whatever that means.

It gives us, as Americans who speak English, an even worse reputation than we already have for being (proud) uneducated morons.

I am not without humor – clearly – so I am also posting one of my all-time favorite Friends scenes here with Ross and Rachel having yet another one of their epic fights, in which Ross corrects Rachel’s grammar in the letter she wrote to him. If for some reason you have never seen this, you’re welcome.

Thank you for reading my rant when you could have been doing any number of other things on this lovely Sunday afternoon.

Note to the Grammar Police

It happened! I’ve finally received my first negative comments. I did not publish them, as I consider this a happy place, but I have been given a solid word thrashing about my post on Craigslist. I have been duly admonished that despite the fact that I think I’m hot shit with grammar, I should get off my pedestal, as my blog is “aflood” with inaccuracies.

To the Random Grammar Nazi who sent me the three pompous comments: they will never be published as long as they are full of mockery and fuckheadedness. I have a great sense of humor and can totally laugh at myself when I make obvious, glaring errors (or in your case, atrocities). But this is not the proper forum for you to be a prick. Are you going to go to each and every blog post on the vast World Wide Web and write multiple comments to the writer about every single thing wrong? I guess if that’s your thing, then go for it. My advice would be to get out there and get a life.

Nevertheless, I did change my made-up word “ingenuine” to “disingenuous,” and I wrote a footnote about it. So thanks for letting me know in the most dickhead way ever that I had put down a nonexistent word.

All in all, this world is a better place without having every little thing nitpicked to death. This country is more than full of people with mediocre to abominable writing skills, so if you must, write to them; I am positive they won’t even understand you and I can guarantee that you’ll laugh yourself to death when s/he writes back to you telling you, “Your a shithead.” Grammar Nazi: 1 Inept Writer: 0! Right? Right.

So thanks but no thanks. Unless you learn to take your head out of your ass and phrase your critcism constructively, your precious comments will be for naught.