Super quick and to the point:

To the imbeciles at Xerox:

Who at your company is in charge of the beeping noises that your machines make? Really, who is it? Because that person needs to sit in front of an XR7655 for 8 to 10 hours a day and have to listen to the error message beeping from a jammed piece of paper, which NEVER. STOPS. BEEPING!!!!!!!!

Just TRY to get some work done, any remote little thing that takes any modicum of concentration, and I defy you to get it done with that noise that only the Devil himself could have invented. Did the person at Xerox go through a bunch of beeping noises and choose this one because it’s the most grating sound on the face of the planet? Congratulations – YOU WIN! I surrender, bravo, you’ve done it. I want to jam my scissors into my eardrums, thank you very much.

Oh and to the scumbag who chose how many times it beeps, even after the piece of paper has been cleared from the machinery? What fucking purpose does that serve? MUST it beep an extra 10 times to let you know the machine is resetting? Really? I can read, so if you could just put the message on the screen I would wait calmly and patiently. AS I WRITE THIS, the machine is beeping nonstop. Right now! I’m not shitting you!

Please, Xerox. Have a heart and do not sell these machines with this cacophonic noise and number of occurrences. Work is hard enough without dealing with something like that.

Once again, I implore you to find the person or team of people (Marketing? Engineering?) who decided this was a fantastic idea. WE GET IT. The machine has a jam! Now we have to hear about it all goddamn day? I don’t need a PMSing machine on top of everything else I put up with at work.

I will never recommend Xerox to any company ever, as long as this is a default setting on your copiers/scanners/printers/fax machines. It’s unholy and sadistic.

Now, if you want to sell these things to P.O.W. camps? Great idea. You’ll get people talking within four hours, max.

SHUT IT UP!

As forcefully sincere as I can possibly get,

Zoe

This is what I will do to that copier....