My Very Personal Relationship with HGTV

 

Love this dude.

 

I don’t know how it happened but in the last year, I have become absolutely obsessed with the HGTV channel. It first started when my boyfriend and I happened upon a Holmes on Homes marathon. “What’s this?” we asked ourselves. “A show with a charismatic handyman who knows everything there is to know about building and repairing a home?” Fascinated, we watched episode after episode until we knew all the crew’s names by heart (big shoutout to Damon, Pinky and Craig Lowe) and had to stop DVRing the repeats because we’d seen every single one. Twice. Mike Holmes is definitely a house hero to both Canada and the United States, and we applaud him for his heart and dedication to his craft. (Mike, if you’re reading this, we’ve also devoured Holmes Inspection and All American Handyman. We’re paying attention.)

That having been said, the next show we caught on to was House Hunters. (Click on that link if you’d like to read a spoiler on how the show really operates.) What’s absolutely wonderful about this show is that while it seems innocuous enough on the outside, and there’s always a happy ending (because the House Hunter always ends up with a house), there are some Extreme Characters on this show. Let’s dissect, shall we?

First we have the mystery host voiceover, Suzanne Whang, who only makes an appearance one out of every ten episodes. Having done the show for a decade and left, the network reruns her episodes from time to time and got a woman with a soundalike voice to do all the narrating. Old school fans may miss Suzanne but I prefer the voiceover-only episodes.

But the real kudos goes to the producers who find people from all walks of life looking for homes in every budget imaginable. I’ve seen $70,000 (laughable and yet the woman got an awesome deal – because she lives in Detroit) up to two million dollar budgets. Plus it is astounding to see which parts of the country one can get a lot of house for one’s money. Florida, Georgia, California, Chicago, the Pacific Northwest and Texas top the list of where people look for homes. Nonetheless the show does a good job of spicing things up with variety (if not places, definitely the people).

House hunting must bring out the fanatic in everyone because shitty or not, each home is put under the magnifying glass and its flaws (whether real or imagined) are put on display and articulated by the picky clients. The most frequently desired items or rooms in a house are:

  • Stainless steel appliances
  • Granite Hardwood floors
  • A man cave
  • Master suite with walk-in closet(s) and bathroom almost as big as the bedroom
  • “Room for entertaining”

The last requirement is what cracks me and my boyfriend up the most. Every single person on the show desires space for entertaining and/or is worried about where to put guests. I’m not saying I don’t want a guest bedroom, because I do. But the incessant worry about whether they’ll be able to host a dozen dinner parties a year is quite amusing. It’s obvious that almost everyone overestimates how much they have friends over.

The reactions are a bit monotonous. I vow that if I am ever on this show to not walk into every single room of all the featured homes and say, “Oh wow this is a nice space.” Or, “Wow, look at this natural light, this is very nice.” My sympathies go out to the editors who have to creatively chop the reaction sound bytes.

Client divas come in both man and woman form. The woman will either be picky with a huge set of demands and a critical, annoying, nagging, and/or valley girl voice, or the man will be incredibly picky and annoying, barking at his significant other if there is one. The other Character on the show is the real estate agent. Sometimes I feel badly for the ones who are friends with the client, because they find themselves in a situation where they have to put on the agent hat instead of agreeing that one room or house or feature or another is a piece of shit.

Example: House Hunters happens to be on my TV at the moment, and the man is the biggest straight diva we’ve seen yet. Verging on verbal abuse with his wife, the show lightened the mood by playing comical Barney-like music as he goes from room to room in gorgeous, $800,000 dollar homes in California and bitches up a storm about “worms in the bottom of the pool,” the bedroom paint color (because paint is permanent!), and there being a wall mount for a flat panel TV in the living room. “Have you seen my TV?” he sneers to his agent and friend. “I don’t want it mounted, it sits on its pedestal with the glass.” Wow, calm down. His poor wife takes it with a smile and tries to placate him as he inevitably finds regular stuff to complain about in the house. Thank God she has her freakout moment at him in the third house when he complains about the house having a detached garage (it has a carport!) and the fact that the two closets in the master bedroom are not walk-ins but are still huge. Yet almost nothing tops the episode in which a client was critical of the fact that the color granite in the kitchen might be a dealbreaker. This couple has literally seen over one hundred houses and their agent is still friends with them. He deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for not throttling this dude.

However, sometimes you get one of those agents who never knows when to stop running her/his mouth and you end up hearing what the agent loves about the house and not so much the opinions of the client. Also, the replies to obvious cons on a house are hysterical. Bars on the window? “Nice security feature.” Sinkhole in the backyard? “That’s one of the compromises you have to make when you want to live within fifty miles of the lake.” And on and on.

One bizarre aspect is that most of the time when a couple has a very specific desire, they end up choosing the property that does not have it at all. One episode featured a couple who absolutely demanded they have a large dining room to accommodate their very large and fancy dining table set, and in the end they chose the house that had a dining area adjacent to the kitchen that was rather small. What did they do? Put their dining room set in storage. For….30 years?

This show is formulaic and the graphics and sound effects are sweet and predictable. Throw in eccentric clients and you have magic. I will be a forever fan; at least until I’ve watched every episode. Twice.

Comments

  1. I enjoyed watching House Hunters for a while and was going to comment on Suzanna Whang – whether or not you mentioned her. I can’t stand her stroll down the sidewalk in the random episodes. Every once in a while there were interesting episodes, especially House Hunters International, where you can see the difference in currencies and what the US dollar can get you and where. Ultimately, they all do become the same (as you said, all the clients want the same things and they say the same things about everything). It also highlights the fact that I want to buy and still can’t yet, so there’s a bit of jealousy:)

    Holmes on Homes, though? Bravo! I LURVE when he gets all flustered and says “I can’t believe these idiots just came in here and did…” and then rattles off what should be done, what code is, and how you can easily spend one penny more and do LOTS better than code. His breadth of knowledge is nuts. One of my favorite epsiodes is the one where the homeowners actually set up a camera because they had found footprints on their sofa in the basement where work was being done. PRICELESS!

  2. Scott, as always, I am delighted and tickled by your comments! Thank you :)

  3. P.S. I really don’t like that smiley face. I prefer the colon + parenthesis.

  4. P.P.S. I just wanted to say “pee pee” since you said “colon.” I know. I’m muh-toor. Btw – I can’t stand that pronunciation. It reminds me of Mrs. Garrett from the Facts of Life. Gr.

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